


Lost Away With You

by msarahv



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cabin Fic, Castiel has Anxiety, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining Castiel, Pining Dean, Social Anxiety
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-25
Updated: 2018-02-18
Packaged: 2018-12-06 23:41:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11611395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/msarahv/pseuds/msarahv
Summary: For the Tumblr prompt :"Our mutual friend dropped out of this trip at the last minute, so hi I guess we're spending the next two weeks together."





	1. Chapter 1

It is the middle of the night in the campus, which means that no one is asleep yet. Even Cas, who is tucked up in his bed with his earplugs pressed so far in that they may be touching his brain, can still hear running footsteps and laughters from the corridor. He wishes he could be that carefree. The problem is, the second he starts toying with the idea of joining those having fun outside, he can't help but look at his phone. He's eerily good at maths and even in his sleepy state, can make up how much time he has left to sleep down to the second. After that, his mind becomes obsessed with worry, which means he cannot sleep anyway, and then, surely, the next day, he'll wake up late and miss his classes, and the teachers will notice and fail him and then he'll be kicked out of college.... His imagination is not his friends, taking delight in constructing horribly detailed scenarios about messing up finals or forgetting assignments, or anything really and he really does not want that to happen, thank you very much.

Anyway, Balthazar has assured him that just lying in the dark rests the body somehow, he's heard it on the TV, and while Castiel is suspicious, he won't pass anything that can help him reach his goal. College is supposed to be an adventurous experience, but for Castiel, it's mostly an exercise in stress. Gone are the strict but dependable rules that made high school easy to navigate. Here he's on his own and independence is not his forte.

The door opens with a soft creak and Balthazar pats the wall to his bed. Castiel hears the ruffled sheets and catches the flash of light as his roommate programs his alarm. Balthazar is not good at self-discipline but he knows how to be discreet, which makes him good company on the whole. Castiel is even worse with disciplining himself so he lets the fear take over and doesn't do anything outside of studying. It seems to work.

After a while he hears:  
"Cas...? You asleep...?"  
He could ignore it, but the noise is still too high, having upgraded to doors banging which would give any sane person various murderous ideas. Instead of following those, he chooses to answer:  
"Not yet."  
"Yeah... There's a prank war going on with the girls' wing. I just saw Dean Winchester covered in toothpaste. It was a pretty sight."  
Castiel snorts:  
"Your bi is showing, Balth."  
"I sure hope so. Although Dean and I are not in any way romantically compatible. But I can still appreciate aesthetics."  
Castiel sighs.   
"He is indeed very attractive", he concedes.  
The sheets rustle again. Then Balth says slowly:  
"You still haven't answered. You coming with us for Spring Break?"  
Castiel has thought this over. And over. He is nowhere near taking a decision. Spending two weeks in the wild, enjoying nature, but with the comfort of a big cabin at nights, is quite tempting. Balthazar's parents are rich, in a way that Castiel cannot really comprehend. Balthazar find him "refreshing" and "unspoiled". Castiel hasn't found out if it's a compliment.   
"Say you will, pleaaase, Cas... It won't be like here, promise. Just board games or watching the stars and you can even go to bed as early as you want. Imagine the silence..."  
"Who is coming?"  
"At the moment, I have no idea. I've asked a few other friends, but they have other plans. The only one I'm sure about is Dean."

It's a good thing the conversation is happening in the dark because Castiel feels his face is on fire. He breathes in and out slowly to calm his brain and his crazy heart. Dean... is not a simple aesthetic vision to him, nor, sadly, a friend. He is the Unattainable, the Matter his dreams are made of. Dean is the mystery behind a door he doesn't dare push. Instead he studies even more and hopes that the life he'll build later on thanks to this degree will be enough to attract another one like him. Or at least someone almost as good and kind and cheerful. But he doesn't really believe it.  
So, he keeps on breathing and if Balthazar thinks that he has gone to sleep, then all the better.


	2. Chapter 2

Balthazar has his head in his book and Castiel doesn't know if he's asleep or really focused. He suspects the former but his roommate can be unpredictable. He may even be pretending to prank Castiel. So, he decides to let him be and returns his gaze to his book, although it is difficult to read with all the commotion at the next table. None of the library employee seem to have taken notice and it is getting easier now to hear the words of their conversation as they are nearly shouting, although he would very much not like to.

Apparently a girl they know must be easy, for sure, with the way she dresses, and her nose ring "and these boobs, like, man, you don't have boobs like that and not share!" Castiel wants to catch the girl's name to warn her what is being said behind her back but before he does, he hears a chair scratching the floor tiles, and a thump. Then Dean's voice says, loud and clear:

"Guys, not cool. Not cool at all."  
"Come on, Winchester, I know you get all the hot chicks, so leave the easier catch to us ugly guys."  
There's raucous laughter, but it's suddenly cut short. Castiel turns around and sees Dean with Roman's chin in his hand and a thunderous expression.  
"Dick, you really do live up to your name. I know Claire and she has more personality than all of you morons combined. And she's a person, so she deserves respect and gets to decide and be picky about who she sleeps with, just like any of us... So, I really, really don't want to hear that you've bothered her. Capice?"  
His smile is blinding and Castiel feels as afraid as the group of frat boys over there. The threat was delivered calmly, almost as a joke, but the underlying harshness has sent a clear message. Dick frees his face from the grip and chuckles awkwardly:  
"Who says I want to talk to her, anyway? She's got a face like a horse."  
"Better than like a weasel, Dick," and with that, Dean gets up to go back to his own table. He meets Castiel's admiring gaze and grins. Castiel wants the ground to open up and swallow him. He looks down again, his head between his arms, his stomach dancing and twisting in his belly.

When he looks up again, Dean's left. He feels even worse.  
Balthazar gives a start and looks around with bleary eyes:  
"Why am I in the library?"  
"Good question, Balthazar. You never seem to accomplish much when you are here."  
The only answer is a yawn. Castiel gets all the time he needs to calm his heartbeats as the other falls asleep again.

The next day, he _is_ late for class. The adrenaline peak make him run like a maniac and when he's almost at the door his backpack falls, spilling its content everywhere. It's a disaster, social shame and failure are looming over, and for once it's not a nightmare.

But a pair of hands is helping him gather his things, gently and efficiently. He jumps on his feet and recognizes his savior. Of course it's him. He's managed to look even handsomer than the last time he saw him, which is not helping. Plus Castiel is in a hurry. He just has time to shout "Thanks", drink in Dean's smile, before he blots to the auditorium.

It's empty. That's when Castiel remembers that the teacher changed the lecture time two hours. But he doesn't dare go back, he doesn't want to look like an idiot in front of Dean. So he settles on the front row and rereads his notes.

 

* * *

 

 

In the evening, Balthazar is yelling at his phone, probably to his sister, and waves at Castiel absentmindedly:  
"I don't have to obey her every desire! She won't die if I'm not here. No... No.... I'm a grown man... Yes, I know... Don't.... Forget it!" and with that the phone call is over and the cell waltzes in the air, almost missing the mattress.  
Castiel is curious but discretion is always advisable, so he waits. Balthazar goes from frustrated to happy in a millisecond and announces with emphasis:  
"That's it, we're booked. Kevin Tran is coming, and Dean, and of course, you!"  
Castiel frowns:  
"I do not remember agreeing, Balth."  
"Come oooooooon! It will be fun, quiet and brainy, now that we've got Kev. What does the kid do already...?"  
"He's double majoring in linguistic and translation. I've had many an interesting talk with him about Aramaean. I didn't know you two were friends."  
"Well, not really but I thought you'd like it if he came. And he's a funny kid for a nerd. I don't want a wild vacation..."  
"With Dean?"  
"Dean has hidden depths. Hell, I do too. Look, Cas, you're my friend and I want to help you relax and forget about studying or you're gonna kill yourself with boredom. You like flowers and plants, don't you?"  
"I do study them, yes."  
"Then you'll knock yourself out at the cabin, there are tons of different ones. And we have board games and a huge library and..."  
"Who are you and what have you done with Balthazar?"  
"Again, hidden depths. Come on, Cas, give it a chance!"

Defeated, Castiel accepts. And it's not because Dean is coming. It is not.


	3. Chapter 3

Kevin Tran is the kind of person Castiel dreams of being like. Intelligent and driven, but at the same time friendly and at ease in any social situation. It's difficult to imagine him being intimidated by any one and Castiel has even seen him talking with Dean Winchester for a whole half an hour and then turn around and look unperturbed. He feels a pain in his chest at this memory. He cannot be "cool". He cannot open up to anyone.

They've been conversing for a while and Kevin has yet to mention their upcoming vacation. Was Balthazar lying, or at least counting his invitees before they were hatched? Maybe even Dean isn't really coming. Yes, it makes sense, of course Castiel isn't that lucky. It is a relief and at the same time very disappointing to consider this...  
He's shaken out of this line of thought by Kevin who says excitedly:  
"I can't wait for spring break, this year. My courses are fascinating, but I feel like they're getting on my last nerve. You too?"  
"Oh, yes, sure," says Castiel who doesn't feel that way at all. But agreeing is important to get by.  
"I mean, college would be perfect it weren't for marks and results. My mother would be livid if I didn't come home with perfect grades."  
And he seems to mean this. Castiel is astounded. There is stress in Kevin's life after all. He tries to relate:  
"Oh, I see, I mean... my father is not as invested in my academic career, but still... I tend to put the pressure on myself all on my own. Not because I want to be the best, but because I'm frightened that, unless I score perfectly, I'll fail and my life will be a disaster, you know?"  
"Really? Wow, I wouldn't have guessed, you look like college work is your raison d'être. I guess we're all ready to take a breather."  
"Indeed. Balthazar has insisted I accompany him so that I can really relax and I do think he has a point, even if it pains me to say so."

Kevin laughs at this, but turns the conversation away from the topic so quickly that Castiel feels ill at ease. Didn't he look shifty all of a sudden, looking away from Castiel's eyes? What if he found out that Castiel is coming too and has decided against spending two weeks in his company? Castiel doesn't blame him, but the remains of his self-esteem still take a blow.

 

* * *

 

 

The next day is his favorite. He has a class with Dean. And it's not a lecture but an applied physics lab so students can talk a little as they experiment. Expect for Castiel of course, he's generally on his own, or if he isn't, his partner will talk with the students at another table. He's used to it and anyway it gives him time to glance furtively and repeatedly at Dean. But today is different.

First, Dean Winchester actually walks to his table, settles his things and turns to Castiel to say:  
"Just one week left! Can't wait!"  
"Yes."  
"We leave on Saturday, don't we?"  
Castiel opens wide unbelieving eyes. Dean is coming? And he knows and accepts that Castiel is too? He can feel his breathing veering away and spends a full minute regaining it until he can respond:  
"That is my understanding. Although Balthazar tends to be lax with his planning."  
"Oh, okay. Still, I just want to go and dive in that big-ass lake he told me about. And you, what are you looking forward to?"  
"Hum... I... The flowers."  
"What?"  
"I mean the plants. Balth said there are hundreds of them."   
Castiel wants to die. He cannot communicate his meaning and only sounds like a "weird-o" as Gabriel likes to say. His face is burning, a fact he can blame on the lab burner, but the moment he looks up at Dean, all he sees is a found smile:  
"Well, that's cool, I guess. You like flowers arrangements?"  
And he sounds like this is perfectly acceptable. He is so open-minded. Castiel manages to cough:  
"No... My major is in biology. I'm very interested in ecosystems and knowing plants and flowers is the first step to understand it, that is all."  
"Oh!" Dean's tone has changed. It is still respectful but more so. Impressed? No, no way. All in all, it's a salvaged conversation, a feast Castiel didn't know was possible. He brings back their attention to the work at hand, because why tempt fate?

On Thursday night, Balthazar looks bummed. He's playing with his cell and turning in his chair:  
"Bad news. There's been a cancellation."  
"Oh." Castiel is calm. His stomach is not deflating and his throat is not dry. Dean has better people to be with. He must have found a bigger lake, or even the ocean. Perhaps a girl has invited him. Yes, that must be it.  
"Kevin just told me that his mother has forbidden him to come. Apparently she's signed him up for an internship behind his back."  
"Oh, he told me about her high academic expectations. I'm sorry he isn't coming, I really enjoy his company."  
"Hey, wait a minute, you're not going to bail too, are you?"  
Such a thought has never crossed Castiel's mind.  
"Do not worry about that, Balth. I will not let you down."  
Balthazar slaps his arm:  
"Good. And Dean is sure to come because he's the one doing the driving."  
"He is?"  
"He insisted. I wasn't going to say no, was I? It's a five-hour drive after all."

That night, Castiel dreams of Dean in front of a lake, a burner in one hand and a wild flower in the other, shouting at Castiel to come and make an experiment with him. He's not wearing swim shorts because even Castiel's unconscious imagination is not that daring, but he looks heavenly anyway. After all, it's Dean. And he's smiling at him, like he has done quite a lot recently...


	4. Chapter 4

It is difficult for Castiel to focus. Dean is seated next to him at the cafeteria table, inhaling his breakfast, while Balthazar tells him the last detail about their vacation. Apart from a few grunt and nods, Dean doesn't add much to the conversation, yet Castiel is paralyzed. His heart is beating a scattaco, his hands are useless, as his own plate of eggs is cooling down. Luckily, Balth isn't asking him to participate.

Castiel has sometimes wondered if his roommate has an inkling of his attraction to Dean, but he doesn't think so. He must just be lucky. In between his intense eating, Dean turns toward him a few times, giving him the grin of a hamster that is storing for winter. It is so endearing, Castiel wants to spend his time cooking for him. For the rest of his life, if he could.

"I really think we should beat the traffic. So, whatever you do tonight, Dean, take your ass out of bed and be there with your car at 7."  
"What is that supposed to mean?" asks Dean who has finally finished his plates. He spots Cas' eggs and raises a questioning eyebrow, but Balthazar takes his attention away by responding:  
"I mean if you spend the night awake with one of your many conquest and have to show her the door, or something like that."  
"Okay, first, my "conquest" can be a he as well as a she, and second, my plans for tonight is to go to bed early, all alone, so that I'm up to driving tomorrow. No way I'm scratching my baby."   
The new information explodes in Castiel's brain and proves too much for him to process. His restraint slips:  
"We can take turns..."   
Cas' voice is barely audible, he is aware, but still Dean hears him. The grimace he gets is all shade of funny:  
"No offence, Castiel, I'm sure you're a good driver and all, but nobody other than me is getting behind that wheel."  
"None taken. I just thought I'd offer."

He's mumbling now, angry at himself for daring to talk. He finally grabs his fork and stabs his food.   
Dean pushes his chair and adds with a wink:  
"You can be my copilot though. I'm sure Balthazar will be happy to get the back seat all to himself."  
It's only when Dean is gone that Castiel realizes he is smiling like an idiot.

 

* * *

 

 

The advantage of anxiety is that it means Castiel is ready an hour early and thus doesn't get scolded by Balthazar. He's seating on his travelling bag, reading a book that for once is not on one of his courses' lists. Spring break has begun and the only stress that remains is seeing Dean, which is mixed with a pleasurable excitation. In the meantime, Balth is running around, leaving a mess that Cas knows is going to stay until they come back. He sighs but does not offer his help. He has learned quickly that Balthazar can take advantage of that. As fond of Cas ashe can be, and as nice as he is sometimes, Balth is, at his core, a selfish assbutt.

Dean's car slides into the parking lot and Castiels falls for him all over again. The Chevrolet (an Impala, Dean has informed them proudly) is as elegant as the antelope it got its name from, and clearly well-maintained. A rock song called "The eye of the tiger" is playing loudly and Dean is tapping his wheel to the rhythm. Strangely he's already wearing sunglasses even though dawn hasn't begun yet. His leather jacket is a novelty too. It's all Castiel can do not to gape.

Balthazar is chuckling as he opens the boot:  
"Trying to impress us Dean? It's okay, we both know you're hot stuff."  
Dean tries to look offended but the sunglasses hide most of his face. Castiel sits next to him with a strangling sensation in his stomach region. He wonders if he'll have to throw up later. He really hopes not.

"So, Cas, ready for the trip? I'm counting on you."  
"I do believe so... I would not wish to disappoint you."  
Dean's little smile at this must be because of Castiel's shyness. He is used to people mocking him but it's still hard to process. He fastens his belt in silence, eyes downcast.

"Dean...?" Balth asks.

"Dean...!"

"Dean! Do you have plans to drive this car at some point? 'Cause I don't want to walk to the cabin, you know?"   
Castiel turns to Balthazar who is getting really agitated and catches Dean's mortified expression and red cheeks. He wonders what distracted him like that, but Dean just starts driving.

There's a ding in the back then Balth swears.  
"Fuck... Okay, Dean you'll need to drive me to my folks first. My sister has used the letters "ASAP" and that means trouble for me."  
"Okay, man, no problem. Where to?"

The mansion is as grandiose as Castiel imagined it. His roommate bolts from the car, asking Dean to keep the motor running, and promising a speedy return. So they wait and it's sweet torture:  
"So, Cas, you've already been?"  
"I beg your pardon?"  
"To the cabin?"  
"Oh, no, never. Apparently it's quite big."  
"Yeah... People with two huge houses, I just can't... I mean, I didn't always have one home growing up."  
Castiel tries to answer but he's sure that if he does, he'll be insensitive, or ridiculous, so he keeps his mouth shut.   
Luckily his phone rings:  
"Hey, Cas, I've got a problem."  
"What is it?"  
"My mother has given me an ultimatum. Either I go to Europe with her right now, or she stops paying for college."  
"Oh no!"  
"Yeah... I'm not a genius freak like you so no chance for a scholarship. I guess I'll have to obey. I'm so sorry."

Castiel is still trying to digest the news, when Balthazar asks to speak to Dean. He wonders if he will still see Dean during the vacation when he notices that Dean's eyes are wide open like saucers. He looks extremely uncomfortable, which is a look Casiel has never seen on him, and puts his hand on the side of the cell:  
"Balth says we can still go, just the two of us. I... you want to?"  
"I do not know. I guess I would not mind."  
"Yeah, sure, let's do that."

Dean starts the car again. His voice is hollow and he looks haggard.   
Castiel's heart sinks.


	5. Chapter 5

With all his workload, Castiel has not really been observant of the change in season. He vaguely remembers patches of dirty snow all around campus, but he can see now that every tree is covered with a thin green veil, the sun is shining brightly and the air is bringing up the fresh smells of flowers. The reason Castiel notices all of this is because, since they have departed Balthazar's home, Dean has not looked at him even once, nor opened his mouth. He has also opened his window as if he secretly wants to escape their uncomfortable tête à tête. Castiel wants to put him out of his misery and suggest they turn the car back, but he feels paralyzed. He can only look outside at the breathtaking tableau nature is painting around them, his heart beating so fast, he might not make it to the end of the journey.

So, it's a shock when he finally hears Dean's voice. He sounds detached, aloof even, but at least it is progress:  
"When do I turn, Castiel? Cause I'm sure we don't drive to the end of that freeway, do we?"  
Castiel is frantically trying to find the map Balthazar has provided him with, telling him to hold on to it, as the GPS has no idea the track leading to the cabin exists. He's sighing in frustration, afraid to disappoint Dean, but finally finds it underneath some empty food packets. Dean likes food, that he has already gathered, although, he hasn't eaten anything for the five-hour trip, so maybe he's finally full? Castiel is feeling so upset, he could not eat anything either...

The car is now wobbling along the dirt soil, so much so that Dean has to stop his cassette player since they cannot hear any of the music anymore. Castiel' s hand happens to be in the vicinity and they bump. A bolt of electricity surges through Castiel's belly, so strong that he cannot help looking up at Dean. Their eyes meet and, for the first time since Balthazar's departure, Dean smiles at him. Castiel can feel all the muscles in his body relax at once and it's a good thing he's already seated, or he might have fallen down. He manages to smile back and even ask shyly:  
"Do you think we will have time to go swimming before it is dark?"  
Dean looks ahead, then nods:  
"Yep, here's the cabin, just behind that tree."

Castiel takes a surprised breath. The "cabin" is enormous. His childhood home could fit twice in it and there would still be room. He starts wondering if there is a library inside, somewhere, hoping it is filled to the brim. That way, he'll lose his way there and not bother Dean.

 

* * *

 

He stands next to the car, ready to help with the luggage, but Dean is already on the move, holding several sacks and bags. Castiel runs after him, but he is dismissed with a:  
"I've got this, just... go choose yourself a room. If you want one with a view of the lake, go ahead, I'm not picky."  
So Castiel obeys, opening doors at random until he finds a room that combines a comfortable-looking bed and a ground-to-ceiling bookshelf. There is a small window with wooden blinds through which Castiel can see some of the branches from the fir tree that grows near the house. There is also a closet with colorful curtains that match the comforter. It is as close to his idea of Heaven as he could ever dream.

He goes back to the Impala to retrieve his bag and is in the middle of putting his things in the closet when his door opens. Dean is looking around with a frown.  
"Seriously? That's what you chose?"  
Castiel's fragile happiness evaporates. Dean disapproves. Like everyone else, he must think that Castiel's tastes and dreams are "lame" and other sad terms he has heard a lot in the past. He sighs and stutters:  
"I liked the... It's... All these books... Cozy..."  
"Oh, no! No, I wasn't...! Gosh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean..." Dean says, rubbing his face with his hand, "I just thought it was odd that you wouldn't take one of the big rooms, with a bathroom attached. This one is, like, the least fancy of the whole place. But if you like it, it's different and I mean... I can see the charm, I guess..."

He disappears quickly, leaving Castiel chastised for his uncharitable thoughts. Of course, Dean is a respecting person. He is kind and open-minded. He just wanted the best for Castiel... He frowns at that, but decides not to ponder too much, especially when he finds his swimming trunks. He loves the water, the tranquility it brings to his mind, the caress it provides like a mother's soft embrace.

He's so keen on jumping in the lake that he forgets to consider a few embarrassing things. Like the fact he will be almost naked in Dean's proximity...


End file.
